un.ceRtain.Ty & deS.perAtion

That seems to be me these days.  Obviously, I have not posted a thing in ages.  I used to LOVE to blog.  It was my therapy, but somewhere along the way, it became harder to compose a comprehensible post, harder to put my thoughts into words.  I chalked it up to being an “aged diabetic”, too many brain cells spent in low blood glucose over the past decades maybe?  I just let it go.  I felt I had no choice.

At one time, I even had readers & followers of my blog.  Shoot, I even had my own domain name!  Haha.  Now that seems so distant.  Back then I was a youngish homeschooling mom who was active in her homeschool co-op, her church & always busy trying to keep up with two growing boys.

Now?  Well, now I’m just a stay-at-home wife with two grown sons, two beautiful daughters-in-law & two “grand-puppies” with no actual grandbabies in sight.  Ha.  I feel like I’m growing older by the moment and that life is passing me by.

At this particular time, I am struggling greatly with depression.  I’ve dealt with depression for years.  Probably most all my life.  I didn’t even know it had a name til after I had my second son and a doctor announced to me that I would probably benefit from being on anti-depressants.  That was in the mid-90’s!  I was put on several different medications at that time.  Each would seem to work great but within a couple weeks, I would feel myself right back under my black cloud.  Finally, after awhile, they found an older anti-depressant that seemed to work.  It didn’t make me feel like “my old self”, whatever that was, but it kept me functional & it didn’t stop working after a few weeks, so we went with it.

As time went on, I went off that prescription.  I don’t remember if it was to start a new one or not, I think it was just that I grew tired of feeling like I needed medication just to function and STILL not feel really “good”.  When I slowly sank back into the dark pit, I wound up back at the doctor, a different one than first diagnosed the depression and was put on another medication.

I went through the same thing again with meds working for a couple weeks then just suddenly stopping, til we tried Wellbutrin XL.  That seemed to really do the trick.  I started feeling better than I had in ages.  Life was pretty good for several years… like almost 10 years –that’s how long I took Wellbutrin XL.

Over time, as usual, they came out with a generic, which was great since brand name meds are SO expensive, but I wasn’t able to take those first generics.  They didn’t work the same for me.  I had to go through this long process of getting the insurance to cover the brand name, et cetera.  Later though, I was able to take the generic, but once again, I went off those.  I get to a point where my prescriptions seem to be SO expensive… remember, I am a type 1 diabetic and diabetes supplies are NEVER cheap…it would seem as if I needed to choose between diabetes meds or other stuff… by this time I was on a low-dose blood pressure medicine to help protect my kidneys and thyroid medicine after treatment for Graves’ Disease destroyed my thyroid gland… those weren’t nearly as expensive as anti-depressants, so I thought I don’t feel all that great while taking this stuff, I might as well just go off them. and so, I quit them again.

This time, I went for about 3 years without any anti-depressant meds and nothing much seemed to change.  Maybe to the chronically depressed person, nothing ever seems to change except to get worse.  I honestly don’t know, but it seemed that suddenly, I was unbelievably sad again and nothing I did seemed to lift the despair I felt.

Maybe I should explain here that I am a Christian.  I have Jesus Christ as my Savior and I know that I have all hope in and through Him.  I KNOW better.  I KNOW that I have the Hope of the World living within me.  So it’s even harder to deal with it when depression seeps in and overtakes me.  It’s like a physical *coating* almost, like being covered with a thick oil that you can’t wipe or wash off.

Right now, even though I know/realize what set this episode off, what kicked the depression into overdrive (having a family member be mad at me over something I posted on Facebook!) I also know all the things that keep the depression hovering in the background.  All the things that have fed it over the years.

The times my children (not mentioning which ones) have shut me out of the most important day of their life, the off-hand comments from my parents when I was a child about how that friend didn’t really want me to come over, they were just being nice.  The preferential treatment that is SO obvious between me and my younger sister that has been “the norm” ever since we were children.  —I know.  I KNOW!  Those all seem like very petty things, don’t they?  I’m struggling not to go into details because it seems when I do, it causes all heck to break loose.  If I went into details, these things might not seem so petty.  I’ll just leave it at that.

So, here I am, floundering in all these things, all these emotions I try to keep buried, all these hurts that I have, maybe just in theory, forgiven, but they are still there & they sometimes rise out of the hole I bury them in to torment me.

I feel like a burden, like I do nothing but hurt those I love, like the ones I love the most hate me the worst.  Like I am unwanted, unloved and useless to my family.  And yes, I am to the point that I just wish God would take me out of this world.

But then, I get to thinking about that and I wonder, what in the world would He want with me?!?  No one else can stand me, I am useless, worthless, hopeless & helpless to everyone down here.  Why on earth would the God of the universe want to bring me to Him?


See?  I am a real mess right now.  I KNOW this.  And yes, the idea of going back on anti-depressants is heavy on my mind.  I’ve been off them for about 2 years again now.  I just don’t want to need them.  I don’t like worrying about how to afford them, I don’t like how some of them make me feel.  And the Wellbutrin that worked so well before?  After I went off them for a few years & tried to go back on them again, they don’t work for me now.

I guess that was inevitable, but it still stinks!  They put me on something called Viibryd, which seemed to work in low doses, but on the higher doses (you graduate up from 10mg, to 20mg then 40mg) it made me feel yucky.  So I tried, with samples (because the stuff is ungodly expensive) to use the 10mg doses & felt a little better.  But not enough better to justify the cost or the trouble it was to keep getting samples.  Samples run out eventually, anyway and besides, it really wasn’t helping that much.  If I’m going to take something for depression, it needs to make a considerable difference to me.  I just can’t stand taking something that barely keeps me from bursting into tears at random moments, ya know?  I might as well just deal with the pit on my own rather than taking something that just keeps me hovering over it all the time.

Yes, there’s really not that much difference in being in the pit and sitting on the edge of it struggling not to fall in.  At least not to me.  I just know I am driving my poor husband nuts, making my family question my sanity and pushing away the few friends that I have who would actually spend time with me because I don’t want them to know what a mess I am.

God, help me see clearly what You want me to do… what I need to do to get better.  Help me find a doctor who will help me with this.  You know how big a need that is, to have a trustworthy doctor!  I thank You for pulling me back from the edge, up out of the pit, over and over.  I pray You would give those around me understanding and patience while I figure this out.  Let me find joy, Lord.  That is such a foreign thought to me… to feel joy.  I know the scripture “the joy of the Lord is my strength”, but God, I can’t seem to find any joy these days.  I know what I have to be thankful for, I know that You are my Savior and Redeemer and that should be enough to make me smile.  What is wrong with me?  Please, PLEASE, heal me.  I am so desperate.

In Jesus’ name…. Amen.


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