I went back to see my therapist today. She was pleased and, I think, surprised that I had gone to ride trainers several times. She said, “Oh, that’s great!” I quickly let her know, “Well, I didn’t like it.” I don’t know if she got that or if she was disappointed.
In case I didn’t share, she is a thirty-something blonde who is quite attractive and very thin. Not like TOO thin, but basically perfect. I’m not sure she gets it completely. While she seems to get it that I have a lot of medical problems that contribute to my depression. Well, she even said as much to me today, but I’m not sure she quite gets it how hard I have tried to lose weight.
She ended up asking how I felt about having the extra weight. I explained to her how I ended up “like this”.
The short version is that just after I gave birth to my second son, I ended up at my general physician with what I thought was another sinus infection. Actually, I DID have a sinus infection, but when he pressed on my face to see if my sinuses were sore, he noticed that I felt clammy. I told him how I was always sweating and felt like I had an internal furnace. He walked around and felt of my neck and announced, “Your thyroid is the size of a baseball.” I had no clue it was enlarged nor that it wasn’t supposed to be the size of a baseball. Soon I was put on heart medication, beta blockers, because my heart rate was almost 200 bpm. I had to stop breastfeeding my baby because of those meds. They sent me right to an endocrinologist to look into getting treated for Graves Disease. That meant a radioactive iodine treatment, or I-131.
It never dawned on me to get a second opinion. All the nurses and doctors were telling me HOW much better I was going to feel once I had this treatment. It would include having to keep at least a room away from my two young sons for 4 days to keep them from being exposed to the radiation, not sharing food or beverages with anyone, making sure I was not around any pregnant women or other babies, flushing twice to be sure the radiation was not left “exposed” in the bathroom. Looking back, which is always a whole lot clearer view, I can’t believe I didn’t have any qualms with any of it. But honestly, I felt so horrible at that time of my life, I just couldn’t wait to feel better and I bought the “dream” they were selling me.
Needless to say, it did NOT solve my problems. I dunno why but my suspicion is that I just naturally need more thyroid hormone than the medical books said and when they zapped my thyroid gland, instead of just taking out part of it, they destroyed it completely since my readings went from five times above normal, or toxic, down to point-zero something. And in two weeks instead of 6-8 weeks. So, anyhow, after getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes by the time my son was 4 months old, in 6 weeks after the I-131 treatment, I had gained 30 pounds, almost the full amount I gained during the entire pregnancy, and I no longer felt like myself but like I was trapped in this body that I had to clothe with my maternity clothes.
I think that’s when my depression got “real”. That’s when “the black hole” got really REALLY deep and my life got very dark.
Anyway, so I explained that to my therapist, that my weight gain was not gradual and even after all these years, I still feel trapped in this body. I resent it and the fact that, even when I work my hardest, I still can’t lose the weight. All the things that work SO well for everyone else never seem to work for me. And so…I feel very trapped.
So after all that, she suggested that maybe I need to work on acceptance. Accepting that this is just how I am, how I’m always gonna be…uncomfortable and unable to feel good.
That brought the tears. I’m not gonna lie. I told her I wasn’t sure I could do that. I didn’t want to do that.
She didn’t really have much of a response.
She then suggested that I try working at something, something I didn’t necessarily want to do, but that needed to be done for ten minutes. Just put on some music and give it ten minutes and then if I still didn’t “want” to do it, if I didn’t feel better about accomplishing something that I could quit. That if I gave it ten minutes, and didn’t feel any better, that that was my “out”.
So I guess that’s my next assignment. I intend to really try it. I have only had two days that I felt really better. I’m hoping that I will have more.
I have another appointment, well, two of them actually in about three more weeks. I’ll see the PA to talk about getting on some meds and I’ll also talk with the therapist again.
I think after this next session, I will know if I am really getting a whole lot out of them. I am hoping to learn that there’s some medication that will help me start really feeling better, so I can continue moving forward. Such a terrible, terrible cycle…feel so bad you can’t move, can’t push out of it, but staying immobile, not trying, keeps you in “the hole”.
Lord, help me overcome this?!
Philippians 3:14 — “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”