So about that logging… (& some history)

So far, I’m kind of sucking at it.

Actually I have been writing some things in another document, fairly abbreviated, (but probably not abbreviated enough) for my therapist because I didn’t figure she wanted to read through my actual blog posts to try to figure out how I was feeling during the day and when. So I’m trying to sort out how to do this because I don’t want to let the blog go. ¬†I think it’s been good for me to get back into expressing myself this way.

Back in the day when I had a really active blog, writing posts about various things was really good therapy.  Like I told my therapist I was all big-time.  I had my own domain name, designed the graphics for my headers and wrote a lot of code actually.  That was back in the day when my brain cells were a lot more effective than they are now.

Back then, I wrote a lot of funny posts –just my crazy take on things and silly stories from my life and homeschooling the kids. ¬†I enjoyed being able to make people laugh and playing with words and explaining things in my own unique way, I guess. ¬†I probably did this for maybe five years and after a while it got to where I just couldn’t put my thoughts together as well anymore. ¬†It became a struggle to get a post together that I was satisfied with so I just let the blog go. I let my domain name go and I just stop blogging altogether for quite a while.

Over the years, I tried to start back… using sites like Blogger and WordPress, but I could never get “my groove” back it seemed. ¬†It was frustrating and disappointing.

I think my need to write my feelings down comes from the fact that I have a hard time verbalizing them. ¬†As a kid, whenever there was something my parents needed to “have a talk” with me about, it usually consisted of them talking (preaching, criticizing, chastizing) to me and me sitting there in tears. ¬†Mom especially would bemoan the fact that I never talked, never expressed any opinions or thoughts to them in these “sessions”. ¬†The reason why is that once in the past, I HAD actually spoken and told them how I felt only to be told I “didn’t need” to feel that way or I “shouldn’t” think like that. ¬†So my thoughts and opinions were negated and I never again expressed myself to them.

As a teenager, I used to keep notebooks, diaries or journals, whatever…I had several of them full of my thoughts, worries and dreams…mostly thoughts and worries. ¬†Honestly, I never wrote much about dreams. ¬†I just don’t recall ever having a whole lot of them or at least never really fleshing them out. ¬†But one day my mother went searching and found them. ¬†She let loose on me and all heck broke loose.

I took them outside and burned them all and stopped writing. ¬†It seemed, for several years, I had no outlet at all for my feelings. ¬†Looking at it now, it was really an awful time in my life, but I don’t recall getting “in the dark hole” over it. ¬†Perhaps because I did usually have some boy in my life to consume my time. ¬†I say that like I had a new one every week (HA HA!) ¬†but I promise you it wasn’t like that. ¬†It’s just that there was always someone, either a flirtation or a steady, who occupied my time and thoughts, so I guess I didn’t have time to sink into a hole over not being able to get my feelings out, ya know?

So now, writing my feelings is much easier. ¬†Mostly because if I cry while writing, it doesn’t interrupt the expression as bad as if I am trying to say¬† how I feel while bawling. ¬†That seems to mess things up entirely. ¬†That’s why I have often written letters to Tommy or other people in my family. ¬†Tommy is about the only one I ever actually GAVE the letters to, and then he would be blindsided by all my emotion pouring out because I had had time to think and sort them when he had no clue what was going through my mind. ¬†(I did ¬†NOT always realize this, however, so it made for some tense arguments when he didn’t response “appropriately” ¬†*sigh*) ¬†And honestly, part of the problem with all the letters to Tommy was the simple fact that he DIDN’T have a clue. ¬†But that’s a whole ‘nother post. ¬†*grin*

Anyhow, I’m slowly getting better, more acclimated or re-acclimated, to writing about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking.

If I can just figure out how to balance the whole logging stuff for the therapist and blogging, I’ll be doing great. ¬†Maybe I can just give her the web address for my blog? ¬†I don’t even know if she would be interested in that or if it would help her in any way.

I’ve found that I’m not always as clear as I should be. ¬†For instance, we had been talking for quite awhile about all the stuff I told you about here, and then later, I mentioned the pain in my shoulders and neck. ¬†She was like, “So you’re having pain too?!?”¬†saying how that can worsen depression as well and I was like DUH! why didn’t I think of that!?!?? ¬†It’s so much a part of my life, I don’t think about how it affects me, ya know? ¬†So maybe in reading this stuff, she might sort out or pick up on some things that I don’t get out while I’m talking with her. ¬†I dunno, but I’ll ask her about doing that next time.

I sorta thought about just copying my notes here, but you (all one or two of you that ever read this! ¬†ha ha!) would die. ¬†They are very choppy and poorly constructed…not even sentences sometimes. ¬†I dunno if my therapist will even be able to use them! ¬†*gasp*

She mainly wants to be able to look at how I am feeling day to day AND if there is a pattern in what time of day I’m feeling better or worse. ¬†That will help if they need to change how I’m taking my meds or if I need to do something different. ¬†It makes sense, I just can’t make sense of how best to do that.

Always complicated with me….I think it’s part of how making decisions is harder for me while I’m depressed. ¬†Honestly, it’s a thing! ¬†And something as simple as deciding how to log my moods is becoming a stressor! ¬†I will figure it out, I mean, it’s not major, but it is a thing. ¬†Always a thing. ¬†Ha.

So, just for the record, I have been waking up feeling a little less groggy…not sleeping nearly as much during the day (not at all the past couple days because I’ve had appointments) but not being super energetic either. ¬†I would SO love to feel energetic!! ¬†Another thing.. the past couple days I have gone to bed before 11 pm, which is a BIG step for me. ¬†I had been staying up til at least midnight. ¬†And I’ve gotten up by 9 am (except for one day) every morning since Monday. ¬†I will take that. ¬†Any improvement is better than none, right? ¬†My biggest thing is that I don’t get up right away. ¬†I’ll wake up, look at my phone for awhile. ¬†Sometimes either mom or the hubby will call me during that time, so I’ll talk with them. ¬†But I am trying to make sure I’m getting my meds in before 10 am. ¬†Maybe that’ll be good enough.

I have some stuff to report about my visit to the GP last Tuesday too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Okie doke… gotta get up and move. ¬†My neck is KILLING me!! ¬†If you read this, pray for me when you think of it. ¬†I don’t share this blog just because I’m using it to work through so much personal stuff, but for the minuscule few of you that do read here, I appreciate you. ¬†PLEASE leave me comments?? ¬†I’d appreciate that too.

This scripture came to mind when I think about my thoughts and feelings not being “acceptable” to my family… *sigh*

Genesis 37:8 — “His brothers said to him, ‚ÄúAre you indeed to reign over us? Or are you indeed to rule over us?‚ÄĚ So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.”



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