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So I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling really yucky today. Mostly because tomorrow is payday and our auto insurance hit the bank today, leaving us in the red.

Again.

I’m so tired of dealing with money…or rather, the lack thereof. I try so hard to not let money rule my emotions, to not determine if I’m up or down, but when we get in this shape, I feel frozen. It’s like I can’t move, when we need a few groceries but we can’t get them, we need to buy meds or pay a bill, but we can’t. I don’t want to do anything. I start thinking I need to turn off everything in the house, like that’s going to save us money somehow. And it’s not like we are normally loose with money or our resources. I feel horrible when I feel like somehow Hubby doesn’t make enough money. I feel like a terrible person knowing I am not bringing in any money, but only requiring it for all my medical crap. Add to that the way our intimacy issues torture me and I am again undone.

I lost it big time Monday afternoon. I felt so completely useless, worthless and miserable. Usually, no one is around to witness this, but of course, Hubby was home. I’m not sure what he thinks of me now, but he was very gracious and kind to me. Even in his pain, he tried to help me feel better.

Yesterday was so much better. We spent time together and got outside in the sunshine. And now today, he’s gone back to work… not that I was totally in favor of that. He’s probably really pushing it, but he’s not doing anything there that he wasn’t here, at least I hope not. (ha) And hopefully he’s feeling less a victim or less a man, ya know? He feels productive and isn’t worrying about using his sick time and all that.

But here I am, discovering the negative balance at the bank and feeling paralyzed. I’m thanking God that I don’t feel as bad as Monday. Monday? That was a bad mental place for me. Bad.

There’s this good thing we found out early Monday. We will be getting a sizable refund this year. And God knows we needed it desperately. That’s why Hubby was ordering tires for the truck. We’ve needed them for months, so this is a big load off my mind. I was so worried about them that I would avoid driving in the rain. Then there’s my glasses we’ll be able to get, which will be a huge relief! I need them so bad! And some dental work… some I HAVE to get done & possibly some other stuff that needs doing. I don’t know that we’ll have enough money to do that, though. We also need to get Hubby some shoes..some work shoes and some casual ones too. I can’t do that for him because he’s so picky about them. And really, you can’t expect to do great buying shoes for someone else. At least that’s how it is for me. I have to try mine on, but that’ll be around $200 for those. Then we want to get ahead on the house & truck payments, so that’s a big amount of money. We also want to give about $500 to the church to help with the expansion project going on. Not expansion of the building, but for other campuses in the state, and upgrading the media so we can broadcast nationally…it’s exciting and is going to take about 5 million over the next 5-10 years, all while ending up completely debt free. They are asking people to commit to tithing and if you are already a regular tither, they are asking people to prayerfully consider giving above that. This way they know what they can plan to work with money-wise. It’s exciting and we are thankful to be able to give some extra to that because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to. We are behind on our tithing as it is.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, money, rather lack of, is such an awful thing to me. It just makes me feel so helpless and with my depression, it’s not a good thing at all and I don’t know how to make that part any better.

I can work on thinking more positively and getting myself to a better place emotionally, but when it comes to this money stuff, there’s just nothing I can do about it. Which all adds to the feeling of being paralyzed.

It all just sucks. And wow, I know this scripture isn’t really in context, but this so fits me right now…

2 Samuel 17:2“I will come upon him while he is weary and discouraged and throw him into a panic, and all the people who are with him will flee. I will strike down only the king,”

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