That’s what I want. To be better. Physically, emotionally, definitely spiritually.

The thing is, I’m not a nice person. If you read here thoroughly enough, you probably already knew that. If you know me at all, you already knew that too most likely.

I am not quick to care, to reach out, to help, to love. I guess deep down, none of us really are all that loving and caring. We are sinful creatures with a sinful nature, after all. But for some people, being Jesus to others seems to come a lot easier.

For me, it seems hard. Maybe this has happened slowly, over time. After a childhood spent being hurt by those who I considered my friends or by careless words from my family, after decades of dealing with a disease that requires my attention 24/7/365, that leaves its mark in the form of weak organs and failing functionality… maybe that’s part of why I am not such a caring person. I feel like it’s more than I can do sometimes. I feel like I’m too tired.

I think we all feel that way at times, but I feel like that most of the time. And otherwise, I just don’t feel… I don’t care. And I guess I’m not that way ALL the time. But most of the time, it feels like such a struggle to be, to act, to behave the way I think I should as a Christ follower.

Now, does this mean I’m hopeless as a Christian? Not necessarily. It does mean I’m human and I am inconsistent, as humans often are and I’m prone to failure, also an inherently human trait. It means I have to keep trying.

1 Corinthians 9:26-27
“So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”

I guess I need to get more connected with what love actually is. And what Jesus taught us about it. Since God is love in every way, I need to study Him. Frankly, I need to study, period!

1 Corinthians 13
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. …”

Eh…I don’t know for sure where I’m going with this. I just feel utterly like a failure lately in the love-and-caring department.

Thankfully, God never gives up on us. Now for me to just pick that up and not give up on myself!


thanks for sharing your comments!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s