That’s what I want. To be better. Physically, emotionally, definitely spiritually.
The thing is, I’m not a nice person. If you read here thoroughly enough, you probably already knew that. If you know me at all, you already knew that too most likely.
I am not quick to care, to reach out, to help, to love. I guess deep down, none of us really are all that loving and caring. We are sinful creatures with a sinful nature, after all. But for some people, being Jesus to others seems to come a lot easier.
For me, it seems hard. Maybe this has happened slowly, over time. After a childhood spent being hurt by those who I considered my friends or by careless words from my family, after decades of dealing with a disease that requires my attention 24/7/365, that leaves its mark in the form of weak organs and failing functionality… maybe that’s part of why I am not such a caring person. I feel like it’s more than I can do sometimes. I feel like I’m too tired.
I think we all feel that way at times, but I feel like that most of the time. And otherwise, I just don’t feel… I don’t care. And I guess I’m not that way ALL the time. But most of the time, it feels like such a struggle to be, to act, to behave the way I think I should as a Christ follower.
Now, does this mean I’m hopeless as a Christian? Not necessarily. It does mean I’m human and I am inconsistent, as humans often are and I’m prone to failure, also an inherently human trait. It means I have to keep trying.
1 Corinthians 9:26-27 –
“So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”
I guess I need to get more connected with what love actually is. And what Jesus taught us about it. Since God is love in every way, I need to study Him. Frankly, I need to study, period!
1 Corinthians 13 –
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. …”
Eh…I don’t know for sure where I’m going with this. I just feel utterly like a failure lately in the love-and-caring department.
Thankfully, God never gives up on us. Now for me to just pick that up and not give up on myself!