first thing’s first


So, folks… at long last, I had my first appointment with the pelvic health therapist.  (in case this is the first you’re “hearing” about the PHT, see this post)

Hubby went with me.  He made sure he’d be able to go with for this first appointment.  At first I was a little disappointed because it seemed the therapist, who I really liked by the way, was only telling me things I had already discovered or come to the conclusion of myself, ya know?  Things like that my pain probably grew worse because of a sort of conditioning.  Duh!  Like that the injury from my childhood had something to do with the pain.  Really?  That the muscles in that region are extremely tight.  Ya think?  That it took a long time to get in this shape and will take a long time to retrain the muscles.  I figured as much all by myself.

Thank you, lady.  Really.  I mean, as I said, I liked the therapist.  She knows her stuff.  She understands how all the muscles and nerves in that area work, how everything is connected, how it responds and she knows what to do to retrain my ill-trained muscles, how to get to the point that being intimate with my husband isn’t painful, something I wish to avoid, traumatic…well, you get the point.  As the gynecologist who referred me to this therapist said, we’ve been in this marriage, pain and all, for almost 30 years.  We deserve to have that part of our marriage be good.  I can’t imagine how that would feel.  Not having that burr, that pain or that untouchable area of our relationship be something that’s actually good.  Good, people!  I can’t imagine it.

Anyhow, so I go back next week for a session of biofeedback to see how my muscles are working, how they react in certain situations, how they are at rest and in use.  She mentioned using progressive dilators to help stretch the muscles and probably some ultrasound therapy on the perianal muscles, which seemed to be the tightest  area of all.

Sorry.  Now the internet knows about my most intimate problem.  But you know what?  I’ve lived all these years without ANYONE to talk to about this stuff.  Without being able to tell how much I have hurt, physically and emotionally, because a vital part of my marriage relationship was nonexistent.  Never able to discuss how, in those times when my depression was at its worst, much of it was a direct result of feeling non-functional in this area of my life, of feeling broken, deformed, useless.   How I have felt entirely guilty for it, for how it affected my husband, who I love dearly. because I couldn’t fulfill the most basic part of a marriage relationship.  And get this…he stayed faithful to me in spite of this.  How many men would do that?  Very few, that’s for certain.  So you see, I am beyond blessed in this way, in spite of how frustrated I get with other things about him.  I need to be more thankful.  I need to show my appreciation for how committed he has been to our marriage.

Great.  Now I feel even more guilty, if that’s possible.  *sheesh*  Of course he has his faults, don’t we all?  But this particular thing, well, it is BIG, very big so that most men would have walked away decades ago.  Most men but, praise God, not my husband.

I’m just asking him, and you too, I guess, to be patient with me while I go through all this.  Besides the physical therapies and changes that I’ll be dealing with, there is a virtual Mt. Everest of emotional stuff to wade through as well.

I know most people cannot fathom how this feels, how it is to have lived my whole life and not have ever felt good about the intimate part of my marriage.  Almost THIRTY  YEARS’ worth of marriage!

Will this even work?  Will my body ever be able to be intimate with Hubby without pain?  And even if that’s possible, will I ever be able to get my mind to cooperate?  How will this work between the two of us?  I already feel as if he is expecting big and fast changes as it is.  He assures me that’s not the case, but it’s still there in my mind.  My mind is like, “He HAS to be impatient for results!”   I find myself wondering if the “want to”, which has been non-existent or at least VERY weak for years now, will that ever come back?  How do I flip that switch after all this time? What if the switch doesn’t  work anymore?  What if it’s broken beyond repair?  What if it’s GONE???

I know, I know.  That’s not evidence of faith, is it?  I need BIG help with that, so if you think of it, please pray?  Thanks.

Hebrews 11:1“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

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