update on the latest “brand new”…

Just wanted to pop on really quick and share that we are really LOVING these new groups. We’ve had our first meeting a church and it was just great. The staff worked with me on getting my sister moved into a group for women, which she was perfectly fine with, thank God!

group-sihlouette

We had just that other couple I mentioned and then the husband of another couple who is going to be leading a group. They are the ones I had contacted a couple months ago about starting a group of our own. The system isn’t complete yet, so the few people for their group didn’t show up and his wife was home sick, so he sat in with us.

We had the best conversations and just a time of getting to know one another! It was awesome and I’m not sure if that was because we were so relieved to have gotten my sis satisfactorily situated in another group and then gotten along so well with our own group or what! *laugh* Maybe it was a little of both. AND that we were just so tickled to finally be getting somewhere with having a small group again. We’ve sure missed that sense of community and comradery!

group-bible in hand

The next night, we had our third meeting with our LIFE group and it was the best yet too. Our kids didn’t get to go because our son was working over and our daughter-in-law didn’t really want to go without him. But everyone else was there and it was just a great time discussing God’s Word and fellowshipping.

Afterward, everyone had gone home and it was just us with the host couple and we had a really nice time of chatting about all kinds of stuff. The husband is a car guy too, so he and Tommy had a great time talking about the projects Tommy has going right now. I’m so glad he has found this man who loves the same things he does AND loves the Lord too. I hope he will get to come “hang out” in the garage with Tommy soon. I think they’d both be on Cloud 9 with so much to talk about and get into out there.

Anyhow, nothing else much, just wanted to toss that out there. I’m so thankful that we have these two great groups in our lives right now. I am praying God does mighty things in and through us all!

Blessings,
G~

dirty low down

Okie dokie, folks. For the one or two of you that read here… if you read my last post about all the allergy and sinus meds I was put on last week, this is a weird and wacky update to that.

The very next day after starting all those meds, I began to have repeated severe hypoglycemic episodes.  (that just means “really low blood sugar“)
fading face
Since I’ve had type 1 diabetes for over 40 years now, I tend to not always know when my sugar goes low.  My body simply doesn’t show signs or symptoms of a hypo, which is bad.  It’s REALLY bad.
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Usually, the body gives you some clear and strong signals that the blood sugar is getting too low.  The above chart shows some of those. Over time, however, your body starts going,

“Meh, low-shmow…I don’t have time to process that crap!”
Sincerely,
Your Body

and doesn’t tell you that your sugar is or has dropped.  That means you’re left walking around, feeling normal (or as close to it as you get) with no idea that you’re in danger of passing out or dying because your sugar is way too low.

That’s what started happening to me last week.  I mean, I’ve been quite hypoglycemia-unaware for many years now, but last week, the lows just kept coming in quick succession!  (you can click the link in this paragraph to learn more about hypoglycemia unawareness)

I haven’t had any lows like this, (under 30) in quite awhile, so it was shocking when I saw that first one in this Episode Of Lows that was 27!  Keep in mind that the brain needs sugar/glucose to function (thus the confusion often experienced during a hypo) and since a normal level is between 70-100 (possibly up to 150 after a meal), getting that low means your brain is not functioning properly.   We all know the brain runs all our automatic systems such as the lungs, heart, and circulation therefore, if the brain stops working, we are not far from death.  Zero (0) blood sugar doesn’t necessarily mean instant death, but you would be close enough to it that your chances of getting out without at least coma are slim-to-none.
blood-sugar-range
Here’s the thing, though…I had helped my husband load a heavy-ish, awkward piece of exercise equipment to take to my mom’s, then helped him unload it and chatted briefly with Mom before returning home and beginning to show the first signs of fatigue and slight confusion.  I felt absolutely no symptoms up to that point.

That was the beginning of my almost-week-long roller coaster ride. I had many more of those severe, scary, unrecognized lows. I was testing my blood sugar about 10 times a day at this point. I called my endocrinologist to ask what to do by the time I had struggled through 3 days of this. Obviously, you don’t call the doc every time you have a low, but these were beyond my ability to pinpoint, explain or control, so we had to get some help!

I spoke with the DNE (diabetes nurse educator) who happens to be my doc’s wife, and she had me lower all of my basal rates (I have five rates set currently) .05 units each. So that would have been a total of 1.2 units per 24-hour period. Not much. But she told me that I should do it again if I was still having lows the next day. I was, so I did. That was now 2.4 units/24 hours lower. After another day of struggling, I lowered the basals another .025 each. That put me at 3 units/24 hours lower.

Like I said, by this time, I was testing what seemed like constantly. My low-lows were always 50 and below, with most of the being in the 30’s.
glucometer reading 38
I finally broke down and called again after I had such an awful low that I thought I was dying.

Hubby and I had run a couple of errands…our baby son and his wife were asked to go back to Haiti and needed so much that the church raised the funds to send them, so they had left the day after Thanksgiving. We went to pick up Baby Son’s truck so it wasn’t sitting in the church parking lot all week and to pick up a few things at Lowe’s. My sugar was 53 when we left, so I was nursing a can of Coke to raise it. I sat in the truck while Hubbs ran into the store. Mom was calling wanting us to come up and eat leftovers for supper, so I explained what we were doing and told her we’d be there when we got back.

We drove out to pick up the truck, I moved over to the driver’s side and we started home. I was feeling really tired, but that’s not at all unusual. It was dark and I hate driving in the dark, so I didn’t dilly-dally around. I drove straight up to Mom’s, which is the drive just before ours and is also where the Baby Kids live in a basement apartment. For some reason, I thought we were taking his truck up there. When I realized Hubby had driven home, I turned around and drove back down the hill to pick him up. We got to Mom’s and started filling plates to heat in the microwave.

My dad was sitting in the next room watching TV and peeling something or other for Mom while she, Hubby and I were in the kitchen.

I got my plate out of the micro and started to eat when Hubby insisted that I test again. *sigh* So I did, and lo and behold, it was 32!! GAH!

He went to garage to get a single-serve bottle of Coke for me, Mom put ice in a cup, poured it full and slid it to me. I drank a bit of it down and started eating the dumplings, broccoli casserole and dressing on my plate (fairly carb-laden foods) when I started to feel just weird.
fainted
Of course, I didn’t pause to think about it, I just kept trying to eat. Kept trying to appear “normal”, like I was okay…and I really thought I was at that point. I don’t know if I was really participating in the conversation or not at this time. I had drunk almost the whole glass of Coke when a wave of dizziness hit me and I got that panicky feeling of knowing my sugar is really bad low. I remember sort of grabbing at the glass and downing the last bit of Coke in it. I then tried to go back to eating, then I placed my fork back on the plate. (I dunno why those things seem so clear to me) I can remember the thought that I needed to stop acting so out of it flashing through my mind and for some reason, I took off my glasses and laid them on the bar in front of me. I remember Mom telling me I needed to chew. (??–Yeah, that’s something I might forget to do, but why she thought telling me was going to help, I dunno)
fading woman
That’s when things got really weird, really scary… I got extremely aware that something was seriously wrong with me, but couldn’t formulate what it was. I guess I knew it was a low, but I couldn’t complete a thought unless it raced 90 miles a minute through my brain. I recall thinking, I need help. and then realizing that Mom and Hubby were with me. I guess that was a relief to me, and then I noticed that they weren’t talking. Like, at all.
invisible-girl
I looked over at the two of them, both sitting to my left and there was no expression of acknowledgement. Just silence. I recall thinking, They can’t see me!! What’s happened? Where am I if they can’t see me? Am I already dead? Then the thought that, no, I think surely Hubby would be a bit more emotional if I was really dead on Mom’s kitchen floor. (it’s amazing what the glucose-starved mind will come up with) I heard Mom in the other room saying something about checking my blood pressure, so I thought, Maybe I’m in the hospital already?
vortex
About that time, I got this bizarre sensation of being sucked into nothing…like I was being pulled out of the room, but not to another place, just OUT. The thought that I was actually dying at that very moment was beginning to stir up a panic when my dad walked up on my right site and plopped his blood pressure monitor on the bar and said, “Are you gonna let me do this?” I think then I realized that I wasn’t gone, dead, or invisible and so I stuck my arm out. After that, I slowly returned to normal, Hubby and Mom started talking to me, I ate a little more of my food and BOOM! I was ‘back’.

But the feeling that I had been dying hasn’t left me yet.

Contrary to what people say, my life didn’t flash, I didn’t instantly think of my children or loved ones. That makes me feel like a turd because, c’mon, I didn’t think about who I was leaving behind? Maybe that’s because, thank my gracious God, I wasn’t actually dying? I hope that’s it. My brain was obviously WAY busy trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and how to fix it.

Anyway, I’m happy to report that the past couple days have been severe-low free!! After the above incident, we called my doc again that night. He happened to be on call, so we got to talk directly to him. He had me lower the basals another .125 each. That made a total of 6 units per day that I lowered my insulin use. He confirmed what we suspected, this is very rare. He said it seemed as if I had become more sensitive to the insulin, which is awesome. less insulin saves money and makes it easier to lose or maintain weight.

I’m thrilled. Puzzled as to why it happened, but thrilled that it has. I had asked my friends and family to pray because it was getting really scary. Who knows how low my sugar was on that drive up to Mom’s the evening after Thanksgiving? Even after treating a moderate low! That’s the reason why, when my boys were much younger, I would keep my blood sugars a bit high…I couldn’t stand the thought that I might go low when I was in the car with them. I mentioned to a few people the thought that God might be healing me.

That’s a frightening thing to say “out loud” (or in a text). Because, what if He isn’t? And then, I felt like a failure as a Christian for doubting. But it wasn’t that I doubted He could, because for a short period of time after a traumatic accident, He DID take away my need for insulin altogether! So I know He can, I guess it’s scary to hope He will when He might not, ya know?

Anyhow, my belief is that God is healing us all…it just may not happen here in this life. Ultimately, every child of God will be in perfect health with no pain or worry.

Ahhhh, I am eager for that!

Hebrew 7:11“Now if perfection had been attainable through the Levitical priesthood (for under it the people received the law), what further need would there have been for another priest to arise after the order of Melchizedek, rather than one named after the order of Aaron?”

EDIT::: I feel like I need to clarify a bit. Sorry to expand an already long post, but for those who want to know more, read on…

So when I say, “BOOM! I was ‘back’.” it isn’t quite like that normally. Maybe I seemed to bounce back a little quicker because I was at my parents’ house because I fret a lot about making them worry about me/the diabetes.

Case in point: the other day, right in the middle of this whole “too many severe lows” situation, Mom and I were supposed to go out for breakfast with my mother-in-law and one of Hubby’s aunts who was in town visiting. So all four of us had planned to meet that morning at a restaurant. I don’t know if she called just to remind me or if it was some other reason, but apparently, she called and all I would say to her is, “I’m alright. I’m alright. I’m alright.” over and over. Obviously, I was NOT alright because I have absolutely no recollection of even answering the phone. She ended up having to come to the house and get me out of bed and nurse me out of a low. Apparently I worry SO much about making her worry that I’ll lie even when I’m all-but unconscious! So, that COULD be why I “came back” so fast the other night.

The thing is that lows are not always the same. Obviously, I no longer always even feel them. In the early years of my diabetes, I could count on getting shaky and sweaty and nervous. Then later, those became intermittent with numbness around my lips and tongue. Then there were the “sleep lows”…when I went low in my sleep and would wake up or be awakened soaking wet from sweat. Sometimes I still do that and I don’t always wake up. But later, I’ll recall rolling over or half-waking and noticing that I’m sweaty. I’ll think to myself that the house seems really hot and usually just toss off the cover and go back to sleep. Sometimes Hubby will wake up and find me like that. Other times, I recoup from minor lows on my own.

One thing that’s become habit for my hubbs is to feel my face whenever he wakes in the night. Sometimes it’s less than gentle and irritates me but I try not to get really mad. It’s not fun to wake from a dead sleep with someone pawing your face while they aren’t fully awake either. Ha. But I know he’s just checking on me. Poor guy, I can’t count the number of times he’s gotten up in the wee hours to coax food and drink down my throat, sometimes with me fighting him. Then changing my soaked bed clothes, occasionally putting me in the tub and then even switching sides with me so I don’t have to sleep on the damp sheets til morning. He is my greatest support and caregiver.

Some people want their moms when they are sick, but I want my husband.

The other weird thing that’s stayed fairly constant is the bone-chilling freeze that I get after a super-low with mega-sweating. Once my sugar starts to normalize, I will feel as if my insides have turned to ice and I’ll be so cold that I want every source of warmth available on me. How many times has Hubby wrapped me in his arms to warm me up during The Freeze? I can’t even guess. How many times has he pulled blankets out of the closet to pile on me? Thank God, that doesn’t last long, but while it’s happening, it feels like I’ll never be warm again!

So, don’t think that lows just happen and then are over all at once. No two lows are the same and no two diabetics will have the same symptoms or react the same to treatment. That’s the insidious nature of type 1 diabetes. It tends to have a mind of its own and does whatever it darn well pleases.

My hope, in taking the time to write this stuff out, is that it might help someone understand more about diabetes and the diabetics in their life. Or perhaps it will make other T1D’s feel less alone in the daily battle that is our lives. Whatever else you deal with, however hard the days and weeks and years get, always know there’s hope. Don’t ever lose hope. ❤

how blessed

To The Husband of the Wife Living with Chronic Illness

Almost perfectly describes my life.

He answers the pleas

I’m unsure how to tell you about this, but since I’ve shared about this here, I have to update you.

First of all, both Hubby and I really just love the pelvic health therapist. She’s an awesome lady who is passionate about what she does. She really wants people, both women and men, to understand how their bodies work. She is a Christian, which makes sharing our story with her even easier and she’s an Emmausite. She has this high-tech way to measure how strong (or weak, as the case was in the beginning) my pelvic floor muscles are and how well I am able to contract and relax. All those things are important to healthy muscle function and she’s given me several exercises that I’ve been doing at home.

She has taught Hubby how to help with stretching and even showed him some massage techniques to help me relax all the tension I hold in my neck and shoulders. Before you get all jealous about that, realize that him knowing the techniques and having had the time to actually DO any of them are two different things. Between him working late several days and then working on his talk for this weekend’s Emmaus walk (more on that later), we just have not had the time. And honestly, I won’t ask him to do it because it makes me feel guilty. So I may never get one of those massages, but at least he knows what he’s supposed to do, right? HA-HA-HA!

Other things she’s had me doing is using pure vitamin E, which is supposed to strengthen and “heal” the skin in my outer hoo-ha. Sorry, I’m not as good at using the proper names for those things. (and would like to avoid being pulled up on Yahoo, ya know?!?  Sheesh!)  Anyhow, it made a huge difference in the sensitivity down there. I mean, like amazing improvement. I could hardly stand for her to do the initial exam when she used a cotton swab and had me give her a number for the level of pain I felt. Then she had me using a sustained moisture gel stuff to see if perhaps dryness was causing some of my pain.

It’s an over-the-counter stuff called Replens and after using it for a couple of weeks and then feeling a burning pain “way up high” and not so much in the walls of the … heh heh… hoo-ha, she decided I probably needed to check with the gynec0l0gist to make sure there was no infection or other thing going on.

So I’ve done that and the GYN says no infection, but everything looked thin and fragile so she gave me some estrogen cream that I use vaginally a couple times a week. It was like no big deal and she said that I should notice a difference in about a week and could probably do just once a month after the first couple weeks using it 2-3 times weekly.

That’s like, WOW!! Who knew and why didn’t those people tell me already? Like 20-some years ago?!?! Anyhow, I used the cream and a couple days later, the Hubbs and I were reading in the book the therapist recommended. It’s for married couples and is a Christian book about s#x! It’s called A Celebration of S#x. Cool, huh? It’s very educational as far as explaining those things that most of us don’t know about how our bodies work. So we read a bunch in that before going to bed. We laughed SO much because since I had a headache, Hubby did the reading out loud for us. He’s a little dyslexic and will mix up his words sometimes, so when he substituted the word “sectional” for “sexual”, I about lost it. I laughed so hard that I started the asthma going and I wheezed the rest of the time. Seriously, we had so much fun reading this book about how our genitals are made!! BAHAHA!

Later we woke up and began snugg1ing and ki$sing some and well…one thing led to another and we put some of the stuff from our book into practice. We had no agendas, either of us, but we were just enjoying being together. It was nice and something we had not done in AGES. As things went along, without being explicit, we got to a point of attempting to actually m@ke love and most people won’t understand this, but we were able to do so without any pain. That is a miracle. I haven’t been able to have actual interc*urse (I’m trying not to get picked up in some lurid Google searches!) without some significant pain in probably 15-18 years. I’m sure that seems unbelievable to most people, but that’s been my life and the ugly secret we have lived with our entire marriage. If all these years the trouble has been from low estrogen, it really is pathetic that doctors don’t ask more pertinent questions about these things and that we don’t know enough to talk to doctors about this problem.

However, I will remind you now that we did go to several doctors over the years trying to figure out why I had pain with s#x and were either told it was in my head, that I had a deformity or just looked at like we were crazy. So we DID seek help years ago, then just gave up and assumed we would just have to live with it.

Anyhow, hopefully that wasn’t too risqué for anyone, but I said I was going to be open and honest about what we were dealing with, so I wanted to also share the update, the happy update!

Now I’ll tell you that all the next day, I would intermittently be in awe that “it” had happened the night before, almost wondering if it really even happened at all, [think “Is this real life?”  LOL!] and then worrying that it was a fluke. When I shared those thoughts with my sweet Hubby, he said, “Well, if it was fluke, we will wait for the next one.”

We are praying it was not a fluke, but the beginning of a new chapter in our marriage. As the GYN said to us in the beginning of this journey, with all the time we’ve invested in this marriage, we owe it to ourselves to pursue a healthy, full intimate relationship together! I thank God that He’s working things out in this area!

Hebrews 13:4“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled…..”
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30 whole years!

Okay y’all… you’ll have to extend some grace here.  I had my 30th wedding anniversary last week and I’m just now posting about it!

weddingtoast

Yes, we were just babies in 1985.

There have been times, over the years, that it wouldn’t have taken much for either of us to just walk away.  It’s been hard at times.  There have also been amazing, awesome, wonderful times, of course.  But those storms when it seems there’s no chance of escaping in one piece can shake you to the core.

But God…  If not for having Him in our lives and in our marriage, we surely would not have made it for thirty years.  Of course, we can do nothing on our own, but we like to think we can.  We so easily forget that it’s only by the will of God that we even breathe let alone move, think, walk and talk.

I’m so thankful that He intervened so many times in our marriage.  I have always felt really glad that both Hubby and I had intact families (neither of our parental units have divorced) and have two examples of half-century marriages to look to, although… *giggle* our marriage looks nothing like either of theirs.

And we don’t want it to!  We exchange knowing looks of agreement when either set of our parents are doing something we find annoying and we’ll laugh or commiserate later that we’re SO glad we don’t “___whatever___” like they do.  I’m sure our kids have the same feelings about us and I guess that’s how life is.

We make our own lives and our own favorite ways of being a couple.

Speaking of the kids, July has become Anniversary Month around here.  Our oldest son and his wife

wedding-victory

wedding-smiles

celebrated seven years of marriage the week before our 30th anniversary, after which our youngest son & his wife

victory

Casey-Taylor-bw-reception

had their first-ever anniversary!  Yep, all within three weeks.

I’m not sure how that happened, but I think it’s kinda cool.  And convenient too in that none of us can quite forget any of the others’ anniversaries.  Ha ha!

I have to admit…I was feeling pretty bummed that we didn’t have any kind of “real” celebration for our 30th though.  I mean, that’s supposed to be some kind of milestone, isn’t it?  I sure don’t know many couples our age who have been married even half this long.  I remember having “dreams” if you will, of being able to take a cruise for our 25th anniversary, but that didn’t happen.  Not for lack of wanting on either of our parts, but for lack of funds?  You betcha.  So five years ago, we plunked down a chunk on a room for the night way high on this mountain, and it was awesome.

It just would have been more awesome if I hadn’t worried about money the whole time.  *sigh*  And here we were five years later, and once again, absolutely no funds for any kind of get-away or even a room for the night somewhere.

I was getting really bummed.  We talked about maybe going to do the Virginia Creeper trail, which is a cycling thing, and that would have been great, but the drive was so long that we’d have been killed to have driven there, ride the trail and then drive back home in one day, so we didn’t even attempt it rather than go and not enjoy it.

After having to replace our air conditioner system (lighting hit it) and then just the week before our anniversary, our water heater broke, saturating the carpet in our bedroom and adding another big expense we couldn’t afford… we just didn’t have any extra money for anything big.

I had spent the week being really sad over it to the point I just didn’t want to do anything.  However, the day arrived, a Sunday, and my best friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in probably 10 or more years, who has recently moved back here with her newly-adopted TWO YEAR OLD son!!!  She was coming to our church and wanted to see if we could meet and at least sit together.  Of all days for this to happen, on our 30th anniversary had to be a “God thing” because this sweet lady was my one and only “bridal party”..my maid of honor!!!  How cool is that??

So, we got to meet her adorable little guy, visit for a bit, then we took off.  We’d gotten a coupon for a free appetizer at a restaurant we like, but there’s not one near us, so before I even knew what he was doing, Hubby was on the interstate and all he’d say was we were going to eat.

We drove 100 miles away, found the restaurant and had a great meal.  By this time, God had worked on my sour attitude and I was just enjoying time with my husband of 30 whole years.  I began to think about how hard-working and caring he is.  How he’s encouraged me to try harder and do more than I ever would have attempted myself.

30yrstogether2

Later, we stopped in a couple of surplus home goods stores and bought a few little items, found a gorgeous duvet cover with shams for our king size bed for just $18!!  Then we walked through the other place, that was more for builders I guess.. it had furniture and decor and we saw some gorgeous items that gave us some inspirations for future improvements on the house.

Then we went to a couple of health food stores and he helped me pick out meals for the coming week.  His request, saying “since it’s our anniversary”… LOL! is for me to start eating better.

*sigh*

Well, okay.  So, we ended the day at Whole Foods, where we ate a slice of “wholesome” pizza and drank his ever bottle of kombucha tea (which I’ve been thinking about attempting to brew myself)kombucha-WF

and then stopped at the Walmart at home to pick up some batteries we needed and I bought us a selfie stick.  See?

selfiestick

This is the photo I sent to the kids showing them how techno-savvy their parents are.  HAHAHA!!

And so, our 30th anniversary came and went and left me with a sense of satisfaction.  I am sad that I’ve wasted so many years being dissatisfied with things, life, people, myself… but I am doing my best to change things now.

And I’m looking forward to reaching our 50th anniversary and yes, still hoping we might have a bit bigger celebration by that time.  But if not, I know that’ll be okay too.

We have each other and we’re happy.  That’s enough.

Philippians 4:11-12Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”

he did it!!

T-1stCent-redbud-5-2-15

This is one proud wife right here. My sweet, determined, strong & compassionate husband completed his first century (that’s a ONE HUNDRED MILE bike ride) today.

Yep, same hubby that was on crutches about two-and-a-half weeks ago for a torn/bruised groin muscle.

I AM SO STINKIN’ PROUD OF HIM!!! 😀

push

Cycling. I really do like it. I probably don’t love it like many people. I sometimes have to make myself ‘just do it’… I have to overcome the mind games that make me hesitate when I’m scared because of the pain from falling or whatever. When I am tired or sore, when I don’t wanna deal with the sweat and aching muscles.

Right now, I am just proud that I can make myself get on the trainer at least a few times a week. I mean, that’s a huge step forward for me. I want to get healthier and smaller. I want to get stronger and more focused.

I’m not a “pusher” though. I am not big on doing ‘the hard thing’. I’m the first one to quit when it gets hard or difficult or ugly. Well, at least physically. Although I guess there are things about me, parts of me that are always doing the hard things. I mean, living life with a chronic disease, one that never gives you a day off, never a moment to forget about it… that’s a hard thing if ever there was one. So … I dunno… maybe I’m a little stronger than I give myself credit for, but I could definitely be stronger than I am.

I am almost a total opposite of my crazy hubby, though. He never backs down from something he wants to accomplish. Like cycling. He has been committed to doing this century challenge this year. After his wreck, the crutches and all, he was still saying he’d give it a try. Then, he’d move wrong and get that muscle aching really bad and say that he couldn’t.

With this trip coming up this weekend, his work conference in Nashville, we have a LOT to get done before Sunday when we plan to leave right from church. Last weekend was planned to be the first leg of the century challenge with our local Redbud Ride, but he wasn’t at all ready to attempt that. About a week before this, we learned that they were making changes so that if you volunteered to work the ride, then you would be permitted to do your century ride either the weekend before or after the Redbud and still have it count toward the challenge.

He was so excited about that and started making plans to do that. We DID have a fun day working at one of the rest stops and driving SAG
Volunteers for Redbud Ride 2015
And earlier this week is when he’d told some other riders that he didn’t think he was going to try doing a century this weekend.

Then he rode about 20 miles. And didn’t feel all that bad. He told me the muscle that was injured and has been giving him so much pain felt better. So now he wants to attempt to do this 100-mile bicycle ride. Tomorrow. The day before we leave for him to attend a 3-day conference for work.

*sigh* I’m just not sure about the wisdom of this, especially when he’s not been training for that long a ride at all. Not one bit! He says he’ll just start it and see how much of it he can do. He had said before that even if he had to walk the worst hills in the ride that he’d rather do that so he could still have this first century done with.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that if he does this ride, it will mean I must be his “SAG Wagon”…I’ll have to follow him in the truck all day. And understand, a ride this long will take at least 7 hours for a very fit athlete. I’m thinking, even if he didn’t have to walk any hills it will take him around 9 hours to finish.

Now, I’ve never driven SAG before for more than 10 miles for him. That is enough to know it’s not fun. The very most you can run is about 20 mph, and that’s only in certain areas, ya know? So it’s a long, slow exercise in patience. And we’ve already established that I am NOT a patient person.

Yes, I’m also worried that at the very least, he’s going to feel miserable for an almost-4-hour drive to Nashville the very next day, not to mention that this will kill an entire day I was counting on to get things ready and packed. I worry that he’ll injure or re-injure himself in the process. And I’ll have to do something with Max for that whole time. I can’t imagine dealing with him in the truck for the entire ride, but that may be what I’ll have to do. Maybe I could put him in Sam’s pen for the day, but boy, is he going to be a mess once we get home. Probably physically as well as ‘mentally’… he’s pretty hyper if he’s been confined for any length of time and I hate dealing with him when he’s like that.

I know. I sound pathetically unsympathetic, don’t I? And perhaps I am to some extent, but I HATE feeling this pressure and he sees as me not supporting him. I DO support him, but dangit if this thing isn’t becoming more and more trouble. If he had ridden the century during the Redbud, there would have been a ton of SAG support provided. This way, I will have to do it AND there won’t be the public awareness to be cautious of cyclists either, which adds to the danger factor.

Yes, yes… *sigh* I know there’s not much “awareness” of riders when we just head out for a spontaneous (or even a planned) ride, there’s no news crews out covering it or any giant crowds to let anyone know there’s a special event going on. But sheesh… this is A HUNDRED MILES!?!

Maybe it’s just the sheer monumental-ness of the task that is bothering me. If Hubby does this, he will be on Cloud 9. He’ll be so pleased with and proud of himself, as well he should be! And *I* will be proud of him too, if I survive, that is. Ha.

I know, I KNOW!! I’m so selfish. Fear of the unknown is gripping me. The pressure to be ready in time, of losing a whole day to prepare. The worry that he will make the injury worse or be hurting the whole time we’re gone, when he’s supposed to be concentrating on what’s going on.

Ugh.

Fine. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I DO support him in this. I admire how determined he is. I drove SAG for him back to our house a few days ago and just kind of sat in awe of how he pushes himself beyond what’s comfortable and maybe even safe sometimes. (which is the case here…the ER doctor told him he didn’t think he would be ready to do a century for this ride)

I just found out a lady who sort of heads up our cycling club is planning to drive SAG for the riders (there are several) who are going to do the century tomorrow so maybe he has changed his mind about thinking I’m unsupportive. And she had said she would do this a couple weeks ago so I’m not quite sure why he is insisting on me doing it for him. *SIGH*

Shutting up now. I have stuff to do! LOL!

No matter what he thinks of my support or lack of it, I will be cheering louder than anyone when he does this, no matter how much of it he completes.

Post-Redbud Ride ride 2015

1 Corinthians 9:26-27“So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”

first thing’s first

So, folks… at long last, I had my first appointment with the pelvic health therapist.  (in case this is the first you’re “hearing” about the PHT, see this post)

Hubby went with me.  He made sure he’d be able to go with for this first appointment.  At first I was a little disappointed because it seemed the therapist, who I really liked by the way, was only telling me things I had already discovered or come to the conclusion of myself, ya know?  Things like that my pain probably grew worse because of a sort of conditioning.  Duh!  Like that the injury from my childhood had something to do with the pain.  Really?  That the muscles in that region are extremely tight.  Ya think?  That it took a long time to get in this shape and will take a long time to retrain the muscles.  I figured as much all by myself.

Thank you, lady.  Really.  I mean, as I said, I liked the therapist.  She knows her stuff.  She understands how all the muscles and nerves in that area work, how everything is connected, how it responds and she knows what to do to retrain my ill-trained muscles, how to get to the point that being intimate with my husband isn’t painful, something I wish to avoid, traumatic…well, you get the point.  As the gynecologist who referred me to this therapist said, we’ve been in this marriage, pain and all, for almost 30 years.  We deserve to have that part of our marriage be good.  I can’t imagine how that would feel.  Not having that burr, that pain or that untouchable area of our relationship be something that’s actually good.  Good, people!  I can’t imagine it.

Anyhow, so I go back next week for a session of biofeedback to see how my muscles are working, how they react in certain situations, how they are at rest and in use.  She mentioned using progressive dilators to help stretch the muscles and probably some ultrasound therapy on the perianal muscles, which seemed to be the tightest  area of all.

Sorry.  Now the internet knows about my most intimate problem.  But you know what?  I’ve lived all these years without ANYONE to talk to about this stuff.  Without being able to tell how much I have hurt, physically and emotionally, because a vital part of my marriage relationship was nonexistent.  Never able to discuss how, in those times when my depression was at its worst, much of it was a direct result of feeling non-functional in this area of my life, of feeling broken, deformed, useless.   How I have felt entirely guilty for it, for how it affected my husband, who I love dearly. because I couldn’t fulfill the most basic part of a marriage relationship.  And get this…he stayed faithful to me in spite of this.  How many men would do that?  Very few, that’s for certain.  So you see, I am beyond blessed in this way, in spite of how frustrated I get with other things about him.  I need to be more thankful.  I need to show my appreciation for how committed he has been to our marriage.

Great.  Now I feel even more guilty, if that’s possible.  *sheesh*  Of course he has his faults, don’t we all?  But this particular thing, well, it is BIG, very big so that most men would have walked away decades ago.  Most men but, praise God, not my husband.

I’m just asking him, and you too, I guess, to be patient with me while I go through all this.  Besides the physical therapies and changes that I’ll be dealing with, there is a virtual Mt. Everest of emotional stuff to wade through as well.

I know most people cannot fathom how this feels, how it is to have lived my whole life and not have ever felt good about the intimate part of my marriage.  Almost THIRTY  YEARS’ worth of marriage!

Will this even work?  Will my body ever be able to be intimate with Hubby without pain?  And even if that’s possible, will I ever be able to get my mind to cooperate?  How will this work between the two of us?  I already feel as if he is expecting big and fast changes as it is.  He assures me that’s not the case, but it’s still there in my mind.  My mind is like, “He HAS to be impatient for results!”   I find myself wondering if the “want to”, which has been non-existent or at least VERY weak for years now, will that ever come back?  How do I flip that switch after all this time? What if the switch doesn’t  work anymore?  What if it’s broken beyond repair?  What if it’s GONE???

I know, I know.  That’s not evidence of faith, is it?  I need BIG help with that, so if you think of it, please pray?  Thanks.

Hebrews 11:1“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”